Disappointment

That would be a photo of me next to "disappointment" in the dictionary. Maybe just my dictionary but still... November isn't over yet but I feel like I've wasted it again. I did get a decent start on my website but lost any momentum I had going on that in the past week. Why? Just because...can't say there was any particular reason. No good excuse. I just fell off the design wagon (probably because I've been feeling so burnt out on sitting in front of the computer after all the hours of pet store promos).

The biggest disappointment is the weight loss. It's been about seven weeks and I feel that all I've accomplished is digging my debt hole deeper. I keep losing the same 5-7 pounds over and over and over...something I was able to accomplish well enough on my own for FREE. It's my own fault. I haven't been exactly honest on my food diary, haven't eaten the foods I'm supposed to be eating or stayed away from the foods I shouldn't be eating, and I've never managed to regain the focus I had at this time last year. Of course my income is only half of what it was at this time last year and I didn't have to think about the money so much. I just bought what they told me I needed and followed the plan as best I could...which was far better than what I've managed in the past 7 weeks. The irony is that even though I knew it would be a challenge to squeeze the program cost into an already tight budget but I thought it would help me be more accountable for my actions if I knew that there was a link between the amount of money I spend and the amount of weight that I lose (or gain). I wish I'd kept more of a journal of emotions and motivations the first time around so that I had a source to help me this time. You'd think it would be easier with less weight to lose but it's proving so much more difficult. In fact so difficult that the idea of just throwing in the towel looks better every day....but this is one goal I don't want to give up on and I'm closer now than I've been in years. I just need to find that one thing to get me over this hump and headed back toward the goal.

Thought for today...

...or the whole weekend (maybe even for the rest of the year).

"The unexamined life is not worth living..."

I had a bit of a meltdown after work last night now off to the clinic for further frustration/humiliation. Time to stop just thinking it's time to figure out what I'm doing wrong and actually do something about it. Otherwise...what's the point?

What excites you?

I was cornered by my boss as I prepared to make my escape just shy of 5pm. He's been reading again, researching...trying to reinvent...again. Kind of ironic that he's trying to do with his business what I am attempting to do with my life. On and on he talked until he got to this weird point and said he wanted to know what excited me about the job... Me? Not a clue. Well, not anything that I feel comfortable telling my employer. I mean, in terms of design, what has me excited is my own website and the future prospects it could bring to me. Escape excites me. Imagining a fresh start excites me; moving and starting over excites me. But I can't tell him that. I can't tell anyone that because most people can't imagine leaving their home and starting over in a place you don't know and don't know anyone...and they don't know me. But a fresh start is exactly what has me excited.

Forgot again...

...but the weird glowing from an alarm on my iPod woke me.

Low low low...

Not sure if it's the weather, the current workload (with zero creativity involved), the scales lack if downward mobility, the sad fact that my financial hole us getting deeper, or just a combination of all of the above but my mood has been sinking lower and lower with every day of this awful week (or month, depending on how you look at it). Not sure how I'm going to get out of this mess. I keep thinking that I'll have time at work to take a look at my finances and hopefully catch up on some bill paying, to start looking for an evening or weekend job (because the numbers I've been crunching in my head...not that math without a calculator has ever been a gift of mine...are not looking good without finding an alternate source of income to fill in the gaps), and to even possibly work on a few portfolio pieces (so that I can spend time in the evenings reading, learning, programming instead) but it's been pet store holiday promo madness lately and the day flies by. Today it was nearly 2:30 when I realized I'd barely begun to drink my 88 ounces of water for the day, hadn't pulled the stack of bills out of my bah, and still needed to update the food diary for my trip to the clinic (adding to my frustration for the week is the necessity to drive in the rain and cold and yuck to weigh-in four times this week and earn another free week of weight loss...the fact that I will need it and probably more is what really frustrates me).

So...is it the frustration that's making me feel like a candidate for Prozac or is it a borderline depression that leaves me feeling frustrated with the fact that I can't seem to regain my footing?

You made me glow...

...so of course I couldn't hold on to you. Just a brief glimpse into what we could have been, what we could have had...then maybe just something to hope for (because I do still hope for it). Oh...heavy sigh. I don't want to give up but it gets so hard sometimes to keep hanging on when you feel you've got nothing real to hang on to... I'm torn really. It's almost always been my way to give up on the things I truly want, to not give the chase the effort it deserves. Lack of patience at times...lack of nerves perhaps. But this time it seemed different, felt different...or maybe I just wanted to believe that after everything else, this time...don't let go don't let go don't let go. I should have realized before that every time I said it and every time I thought it, it was meant not so much as I cry to him but an urging to myself. Don't let go this time. Don't give up. Love is patient. Love is unconditional. So I hold on to you...

A Sunday weight loss report...

So, after sitting on the floor at the clinic for about 20 minutes yesterday, I actually had my lowest weigh-in to date (that being a Saturday early morning pre-meal, pre-hydration weight). The highlight of my day...sadly. After leaving the clinic, I headed in the opposite direction I would normally go. Discovered what looked to be a fairly new version of the grocery store chain I shop at then headed past that to see what else I might find...also thinking a little aimless driving might be just what I need to help clear my head of other issues. I ended up slightly lost but managed to get myself turned around before heading too far in the wrong direction then surprisingly ended up exactly where I needed to be (well, wanted to be would be more accurate because the last thing I really needed was to end up at Target spending more money than I have to spend right now...always waiting for a laugh from the cashier when they tell me the total and my jaw drops). My mood was still mildly up even after the register shock so I even ventured to Kohl's to try to find something, anything with Mickey Mouse on it for my nephew who is apparently crazy about the mouse. Who knew how hard it would be to find anything featuring that mouse? Poor Mickey. Buried by Nickelodeon and a circus of other characters. Even the actual Disney store has very little Mickey. But, my nephew is only two so hopefully he will soon develop a few more readily available interests like Toy Story or Star Wars. Both available in abundance for nearly every age group. (I ended up with a set of sippy cups with giant Mickey Mouse.)

It was after I got home that I started to noise dive emotionally. I had plans to clean the bathroom, get back to work on the website, work on the master to-do list and plan for future puppy ownership...but after unch (wonderfully tasty Parmesan couscous with diced tomatoes and garlic shrimp), I started to feel ill in an "oh my gawd what did I eat" kind of way and didn't end up accomplishing much more than a trip to the vending machine for Cheetos and chocolate chip cookies in between continuing to watch my way through my movie library in an effort to sort out the keepers. I'm afraid I must be pre-menstrual because everything I watched yesterday made me cry at some point. It would start out as movie tears then turn into personal sadder than sad tears. Didn't matter what the movie was about although it would probably be wise for me to stay away from romantic comedies today. Who cries during "Notting Hill"? Geez!!